Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Breaking news! – Trump nominates Kanye West to the newly created Dept. of Narcissism

In a bold and decisive decision President elect Donald Trump has chosen rapper and reality star Kanye West to head the newly created Dept. of Narcissism.

"You're gonna love me, just like I do"

"I can't think of a more qualified candidate for this" Trump stated in an official Tweet.  "He's got decades of experience and I'm sure he's more than able to handle this heavy responsablity" he added 20 seconds later.

Proof the world is big enough for two gigantic egos

West was not available for comment of course, however, an official spokesperson said Kanye was deep in his own thoughts and would "get back to him at a time that would be best for Kanye".

Despite the strong desire to score some political damage, the Clinton campaign and the DNC headquarters were forced to admit "Damn, that Trump's pretty much of a genius on that one".  Bernie Sanders added "Yea, well I guess that was just too big of a job for Trump to take on by himself so he had to delegate some of it"

Kanye's most redeeming attribute

Friday, May 9, 2014

The atheists at Facebook

So I took a few photos at a piƱata the other day and posted them to Facebook.  That's when I figured out how stupid the people who program for Facebook actually are.  Take a look at what happened when I posted the photo.
Damn, even in Mexico Facebook can't recognize a man named Jesus!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Who wore it better?

Hate to say it there Madonna, but I think the Quaker Oats guy has you beat...

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

How to tell if your coffee cream has gone bad

Don't like sniffing the carton to find out if the cream is spoiled out of fear of getting the double barrel shot of putrid, chunky dairy smell?

Well, you could just read the carton. Yep this cream has definitely gone bad...

"...and I poked holes in your eggs too!"

Friday, October 4, 2013

Meanwhile, down at the house where the lights are on but nobody's home...

Hi kiddos, it's been a while.  Anyhow, I'm conducting a little experiment here.  You may have heard about Republican senator Renee  Elmers of North Carolina who voted to shutdown the Federal government and then when asked if she'd be symbolically donating her pay to charity was so stupid as to say:

"I need my paycheck. That's the bottom line. I understand that there may be some other members who are deferring their paychecks, and I think that's admirable. I'm not in that position."

Well, that's not going to sit real well with the 800,000 or so federal workers (most of whom I bet make a bit less than your $174,000 a year) so not only is she an "insensitive asshole" (is there another kind?) but she's a really crappy politician.  Really, how'd you make it that far with the tact of honey badger sweetie.

I made a little meme for you guys to spread around as punishment for her being such a fucktard.  Feel free to post this anywhere you can.  I imagine if it goes around the internet enough, she'll change her mind and be doing photo ops while handing out soup to the mentally ill street people.

Post it high and low everywhere you can.

"I'm not heartless, I'm just a stupid self centered idiot"

Thursday, March 28, 2013

The truth, as told by an honest liberal

There’s been a lot of talk about having some sort of ban on guns lately and being fans of shooting and blowing stuff up here at the Orange Folder Chronicles we felt we just had to weigh in on this. 

However, instead of a bunch of heartfelt verbal ejaculation like you hear from everyone else, we thought we’d go in search of some data.  You know, just to see what we could find…

OK, so here’s where it gets interesting.  Using the most biased liberal trash data I could find (Huffington Post of course) there have been 2,244 gun deaths (almost certainly including suicides, a favorite liberal trick to drive up the number) in the 98 days since the Newtown shootings.  Here’s their graphic  about it. 

Fluffy title in Huffpo: “Mapping the dead, Gun deaths since Sandy Hook” – In the 98 days since, guns have killed at least 2244 more people.
“Wow, maybe we should just ban people east of Dallas and in California from owning guns?”

Now that includes all gun deaths of any type.  From domestic violence to robbery to  suicide to accidental shootings.  Also included in there are the tiny number of deaths from mass shootings.  98 days is .268 of a year so let’s use a little extrapolation and make an assumption that that’s going to result in a steady 22.9 gun deaths a day (I even rounded up!) for the rest of the year (I know this is bad science but hey I got the data from a pretty sketchy source to start with).

That’s 8,359 gun deaths this year!  Wow, that sounds like a lot but when you compare it to real data about all types of death (CDC statistics - I trust them, they have real scientists working for them instead of journalism majors) you start seeing some real chinks in the arguments liars like Joe Biden make.  Here’s the CDC’s top tally of all causes of deaths population wide.

Sorry, no swanky picture, data is pretty boring.


1.       Heart diesise                                                  599,413

2.       Malignant Neoplasms (cancer)                   567,628

3.       Chronic lower respitory disease                  137,353

4.       Cerebrovascular disease                               128,842

5.       Accidents (unintentional                              118,021

6.       Alzheimer’s                                                       79,003

7.       Diabetes mellitus                                             68,705

8.       Pneumonia and flu                                          53,909

9.       Nephritis and other liver dieses                   48,935

10.   Intentional self-harm (suicide)                      36,909

What?  Gun violence isn’t in the top 10?  How can that be when Danny Trejo looks so scary and mean holding one?  Well it is there in a way.  Of the 8,359 gun deaths part of those will be under the 118,021  “accidents” in #5.  However, it’s not separated out – just like “death by drunken Camaro driver” isn’t either (bet there’s more than 8k of those a year).

“Eat lead muthafucka!”
Likewise, I’m assuming that out of the 36,909 people who got sick and tired of reading trash like the Huffington post, a maximum of one out of four of them could have shot themselves (however, that’s not going to leave any for all those dangerous home invaders to shoot so the real number must be less).

Now, if you are a guy who actually reads stuff like I do you too can learn how to twist data around to make it seem worse than it is.  Using this same set of data sorted to eliminate all the old white and Asian people who were going to die from bad eating habits anyway we can push gun violence up to the number one spot.

Rifling through the data reveals that among black people aged 15-34, assault is the number one cause of death. Now, if you wanna work for Huffpo, don’t mention that assault includes all forms of assault like with guns, knives, baseball bats, fists, numb chucks and frozen turkey legs and you’ve got graphable material there!

Isn’t parsing data fun? 

People, don’t be turnips here.  If Joe Biden wanted to do something “even if it will save one life” why is he concentrating on the bottom of the list?  Mandatory national flu shots would save more lives than banning assault rifles!

So, just because some old lady who looks she bakes a mean batch of chocolate chips cookies tells you that something’s the scourge of the nation doesn’t mean you have to be a brainless lemming and go along with it do you?

“Go ahead and ban guns puto, I’ll kill you by shoving this Dachshund up your ass!”

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

More weirdness in Mexico

In Juarez they have special traffic cops called "Transito".  All they do is stuff related to traffic like hand out tickets, direct traffic and take bribes (sound thrilling doesn't it?).

I shot this cop directing traffic yesterday. 

"Por aca,  pinche guey!"

Doesn't look too odd until you get aload of his "offical uniform".

"Son's of Order and Lawfulness"

Friday, May 11, 2012

Gee Willikers, what’s up with the weird vernacular of Mitt Romney?

Mitt Romney seems to be stuck in some sort of slang wormhole. Some of his responses to questions people ask of him seem as if he’s walked off the set of Happy Days. For example, yesterday it seems that some poindexter he held down and tormented at his all excusive prep school came forward to tell the tale of when Mitt and some of his gang of tight actors held him down and called him a fruit. This was followed by a buzz cut to his bundie ass.

Romney’s response to this is that he really didn’t remember and if it did happen he’s sure it was “high school hijinx”. Hijinks? Really? Mitt, you sure it wasn’t just a case of the monkeyshines?

Then there’s the odd case of him telling People magazine that he “Tasted a beer once as a wayward teenager”. It’s like he stepped out of an episode of My Three Sons or something.

“By golly, I’ll run for President!”

What’s with this guy’s “shenanigans” anyway? Well, you’re lucky you’ve got the ace reporters of the Orange Folder Chronicles on your side Daddy-O.

It took me a while to figure it out but I finally discovered that his speech writers are using old copies of Archie comics to come up with his lines.

“Hey Betty, you thinking what I'm thinking?”

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The weirdest children's Christmas story ever written

OK, So I'll have to fess up here and admit that "The Orange Folder Chronicles" wasn't given an advance trade copy of this book to review so while I haven't actually read it, I bet the story I have in my mind might even be better than the actual book.

But seriously, how did this one make it by the nanny patrol? I love the leering look Mr. Claus is giving this concerned looking Ho as "Rudolf the wingman" looks on.

"Nice Ho Santa baby"