The weirdest children's Christmas story ever written

OK, So I'll have to fess up here and admit that "The Orange Folder Chronicles" wasn't given an advance trade copy of this book to review so while I haven't actually read it, I bet the story I have in my mind might even be better than the actual book.

But seriously, how did this one make it by the nanny patrol? I love the leering look Mr. Claus is giving this concerned looking Ho as "Rudolf the wingman" looks on.

"Nice Ho Santa baby"

Great moments in multi-tasking

Here we have what must be one of the greatest demostrations of doing two things at once and doing both of them well.

I can't state that I know the circumstances that lead to this guy needing to engage in communication in the midst of a power on drift but I like his style.

"Well fuck you too buddy, but I win since I'm also racing a car while I'm insulting you"

PS: I freely admit I stole this photo from Hooniverse, who stole it from someone else. Not good form but how could I not share something this great.

How to flunk a grade school history project

Screwing up just seems to come so naturally to today's kids.

Irony

"Crap, the jack is under all these tires!"

It’s a pomegranate world whether you want it or not

Whenever I manage to find something I like, I generally stick with it and don’t feel much obligation to change. Change is only good if it’s better.

I can't begain to tell you how many of my favorite things have been discontinued just to make way for something "new and improved".

For example, I grew up in a simpler time when juice came in flavors like orange, apple or grape. There was no need for exotic stuff or weird blends.

Anything fruit flavored was based off these simple flavors and it never got more unusual than maybe raspberry or cherry.

In the 80s however, something seems to have gone awry. Someone discovered that they had these large weird green berries in the land of goofy animals and suddenly everyone on the planet was trying to figure out what they could stick kiwis in that had never had it before.

So who was the first guy to think "That looks like a fuzzy green testitcle, let's try it out" anyway?

Kiwi wasn’t really good enough by itself so you had to mix it with something else, usually bananas. I never have liked bananas so I never really like the weird mixtures of kiwi either. Kiwis are OK by themselves but to be honest, it’s just not as good as orange, apple, grape, cherry and the oh so exotic raspberry.

Apparently enough people like having kiwis mixed with other crap though that it was deemed a success. I’ve got no real beef with that except once kiwis became “de riguer” the entire product development staff at every large food conglomerate suddenly seems to have realized that they have to keep concocting weird ass tropical fruit flavors or there is really no justification for their jobs.

So, starting in the 90s legions of people with no real purpose in life started concocting all sorts of bizarre and clearly inferior mixtures of whatever oddball fruits and flowers they could find on the internet. It became like the great race to the south pole and eventually jumped the shark.

Mangos, dragonberrry, quince or whatever oddity you could find a native eating began to infiltrate the food isle. Weird flowers and spices are starting to appear. Pomegranates and some nasty tasting thing called Acai berry have risen to the top lately as the Lindsey Lohans of weirdo fruit of the day.

To be honest, pomegranates suck as food. You have to pick at them, they are full of seeds and the flavor is mediocre at best. It’s sorta like trying to unwind the rubber bands on a golf ball core just to find out there’s nothing more interesting inside than a rubber ball (of course, I’m sure golf balls aren’t made that way anymore. There’s something new and exciting now like Nike balls made out of titanium hair wound around a balled up core of Tiger Wood’s tramp’s phone numbers or something)

Gratuitus photo of Racheal Uchitel nearly naked

Problem is, there is only so much shelf space on a rack so to make room for all these weird flavors, something’s gotta go. Well, have you noticed lately how you can hardly ever find plain old orange soda or grape gum down at your local zippy mart? To hell with that, we need something new and fashionable like pomegranate mango.

I’ve had this habit of drinking wine coolers instead of soda since the 80s. They taste good and aren’t as sweet as soda and I just like em. That’s about to end though as now the only tolerable flavor left is something called “Seagrams Exotic Berry” (raspberry flavored) and even that’s getting hard to find.

Gone are lemon-lime, orange, lemonade etc. They’ve been replaced with weird stuff like “Calypso cooler” (this is bright blue colored) and “Jamaica me Happy” or “Fuzzy Navel”. Ad men suck alright. I have to confess that drinking wine coolers is a bit “frue-frie” at best but it’s downright intolerable to be drinking something that tastes weird and has a name only Richard Simmons could appreciate.

However, this is what broke the back of this old camel. I went to loot out the kids Halloween candy and boosted a Tootsie pop. The wrapper looked a bit off to me so I looked a little closer and saw this:

Come on people, - You know this isn't right!

Islamic gay bar at ground zero?

So it seems in the furor that has erupted over the building of “something by Muslims” near the site of ground zero in New York , conservative blogger Greg Gutfeld has come up with his own novel response to this.

He has proposed the building of a "islamic freindly" gay bar next door. I guess the logic behind this is that Muslims find homosexuality to be an affront against Islam and would be equally offended as he is to building “a mosque” next to the former site of the World Trade Center.

Here’s his entire proposal, including the part about not serving alcohol in his bar since Muslims “don’t drink”: http://www.dailygut.com/?i=4696

However, I can’t get over some conservatives proposing opening a gay bar. This has got to be a first or at least the first time they’ve been willing to admit they consider gays more “American” or “normal” than Muslims.

I suppose there’s a master ranking of “hated people” tacked up on the walnut panelling in some smoke filled backroom of the RNC national headquarters up in the Hamptons or something.

I’m curious though, what does a conservative gay bar look like anyway?

Do you open the door and walk into a tiny room full of coats?

Topiary abuse

#1 reason not to piss off your landscape crew:

So you think your kids need a British nanny?

OK, this is a direct rip-off from the New York Daily news. I don’t claim any responsibility at all for writing this but how could I not share this. Unaltered and as reported on their website http://www.nydailynews.com/

A 30-year-old British woman's death, when using a sex toy while watching a porn movie, was probably caused by her state of arousal, officials said.

Nicola Paginton, a children's nanny, was found dead in bed - naked from the waist down - in October as the porn movie played on her laptop, according to the Daily Mail.

A pathologist and coroner said during an inquest that Paginton died from a sudden heart arrhythmia, likely caused by "her activity before death." the paper reported.

Police had been called to Paginton's home after her employer, Sarah Griffths, went to her house when she failed to show up for work. She and a neighbor saw Paginton lying on her bed with her cat sitting on her chest.

Supercalfragalistiexpialidocious!!!

Fuck you Woody

My 4 year old only had one simple request of Santa this year, a Buzz Lightyear.

So one day I was at Sam's (damn, this blog really is about Wal-Mart isn't it?) and I found a life size, fully functional Buzz for the paltry sum of forty bucks.

When I say fully functional, I mean it. He says 75 different phrases from the movie (with the correct Tim Allen voice), has pop out wings and a fake laser on his arm and even comes in the spaceship box like in the movie. And as if that wasn't cool enough, he comes well equipped to cope with even the worst traffic in LA.

"You know what Woody, you whine too much. Me and Peeps are taking the RC car and headin' over to the liquor store & the drive in - don't bother to follow us!"

Note to fellow juveniles: A quick google search of the words "Buzz Lightyear" and "finger" or "bird" reveal that I might be the only person on the planet to notice this.

NRA home furnishings

I know a lot of narcos out there read my blog so I thought I’d help you guys out with some great products from the NRA. These are actual products sold by the National Rifle Association through their website.

First up - nothing’s worse than when you’re sitting in your office cooking the books and trying to hide the millions you made exporting marijuana than having some of your rivals bust in and try to whack you.

This handy magnet attaches to the side of your desk so you can always have a pistol ready. Don’t get caught off guard and end up in the trunk of some old abandoned car like the guy you replaced.

It’s also good for avoiding getting busted by the Fed for mistakes on tax return because you were nervously watching the office door.

Please note that the ad says “pistol not included” and if you’re stupid enough to think you can use this with your plastic framed Glock, you deserve to end up on Channel 44.

http://www.nrastore.com/nra/Product.aspx?productid=SA%2024385

Item #2 is designed to help you watch futbol-soccer in peace. Don’t try to explain to your mother why you have an AK-47 leaned up against the end table to watch the game.

Now when she comes over, this tasteful clock will help you conceal your dirty business from mama.

It’s also nice to keep the maid from swiping your prized mother of pearl handled 45 and blaming the children (pinche chaca ladrona!)

Pistol also sold separately.

http://www.nrastore.com/nra/Product.aspx?productid=HO%2024670

Lastly, while the second amendment is not much of a concern for drug dealers since obeying the law isn’t a top priority it’s still important to keep firearms legal so you don’t have to buy them from the pinche Chinese. Nothing sucks like having a cheap ass Chinese made gun jam up in the middle of a firefight right?

Don’t let little Jose fail to understand the importance of this American right and how it affects the family business. Get him this NRA bib so he can learn to show his support for illegally exported high quality firearms from the USA!

http://www.nrastore.com/nra/Product.aspx?productid=SS%20363

PS: I’m pretty sure the NRA doesn’t like narcos very much so you may have to get an innocent looking pal to help you get them.

Sharia vacation photos

"Smile Neda and don't forget to remember where you were standing in line"

The return of generic beer

Mmm, tasty!

I must spend way too much time in Wal-Mart. This will be the fourth time I’ve spoken of it in this blog. However, since I find solace in pushing my cart with the one bent wheel through the cookie aisle late at night, I’ll lay some more Wal-Mart inspired thoughts on you.

Wal-Mart, it seems has had some sort of marketing psycho-weasel squirm their way into the packaging design area. Whereas their store brand once had appealing graphics that seemed to be trying to evoke your senses that you were not buying the cheap store brand (when in fact you were doing just that) now they’ve channeled the late 70’s stagflation in full force.

“I tell ya brother, times are tough”

See, from the time of Nixon to Carter you could go down to the store and buy any sort of food in a UN approved plain white box with the name of the contents on it. Call it “playing the commodity market with food stamps” if you want but this stuff was everywhere. A savvy person could figure out who made it by such things as addresses, packing dimensions etc. It was all generally horrible and the only saving grace was that it was cheap.

“Hey, all they have on this damn island is an IGA store!”

This stuff all went by the wayside by the late eighties or early nineties as we all embraced the concept that we wanted to be rich or at least pretend like we were in our McMansions with the granite countertops and leased BMWs. Noodles became pasta and the plain white box that said “Macaroni twists” became Italian inspired “Rotini” with a nice drawing to imply your cheap ass carbs came from Tuscany.

Fast forward a decade or maybe two and we’re all having a big potluck at the CCC work camp with beans and rice. Seems that Wal-Mart’s branding committee decided that we’d feel like we were wasting our money buying fine Italian Pasta and maybe what consumers have a hankering for these days is a good ole box of the cheapest noodles we can find.

Hence the new look of the “Great Value” brand. Lots of plain white area with a diner style photo of what you can make with the contents. Add in the most boring font you can find and it’s gonna be a winner with the newly unemployed.

Sauce and noodles, now that’s sexy

PS: I hear Smiley Face is getting his notice too, here’s the new guy

“Don’t worry fellow Americans, everything’s gonna be alright…

Ever wonder what the USDA does?

I went down to Sams Club and instead of just getting the cheap milk and some chicken (not to be confused with Wal-Mart's really, really cheap milk http://fiat128-theorangefolderchronicles.blogspot.com/2009/02/is-milk-really-167-gallon.html ) I came home with the usually 150 bucks worth of stuff I really didn't need. One of the things I picked up was this "Kung Pao Chicken Kit".

To be honest, it's pretty tasty stuff, I recomend getting some next time you are frittering away your hard earned cash in Sam's.

Anyway, as I'm sitting there reading the box and realizing I've just ingested more salt than Lot's wife I notice this seal on the box.

Inspected for wholesomeness? What the heck is that??? I dunno but I'm glad our government is making sure it's not in my Kung Pao. I'd hate to come down with a bad case of "Wholesomeness".

"Everyone stares at the girl in the red dress"

I got up this morning and was pretty stunned that my email inbox wasn’t full of photoshopped pictures of Obama as Morpheus from the matrix.

Yesterday, during his speech on healthcare reform he made this comment

"If there's a blue pill and a red pill, and the blue pill is half the price of the red pill and works just as well, why not pay half price for the thing that's going to make you well?"

I usually don’t bust out laughing during presidential speeches (well, at least not when George W. Bush isn’t speaking) but that quote had me laughing hard.

Hmm, this and maybe the photo from my June 10th post might explain a lot here. So that’s what all that stuff about “new energy policy” is about.

Lookout coppertop…

Worst comic book cover ever

OK, I freely admit that I stole this from someone else's blog who stole it from failblog.org, so sue me if you want. Still, I have to warn kids about the "man of steel" (or is that Steely Dan there?) right?

Finally a president I can relate to!

The photo below appeared in the New York Post today. I have to say, I like the fact that I share something in common with our president for once (although, I think there's a photo of G.W. Bush checking out Queen Elizabeth somewhere).

I'm not sure if "horndog" is a requirement to be a democratic president or Obama's just been hanging out with Bill too much but I say it's not a such a bad thing. Lets the rest of us know that these people really are normal. I just don't want to hear any complaining about how much the lump Michelle puts on his head hurts.

"Barack Obama & Nicolas Sarkozy discover that the US and France really do have common interests"

Is the milk really $1.67 a gallon?

I've got a pretty bad bout of insomnia right now so I decided to go down to the Wal-mart market and get some stuff. I was out of coffee cream anyway and didn't go last night like I should have because I really am a lazy fucker. My plan was to get up 30 minutes early and go in the morning (we all know how much that sucks don't we?) but instead I got up 4 hours early.

Anyway, so I figured I might as well go get the cream. As I get up, I wake up my wife, not entirely by accident, thinking maybe there's something better to do than go to Wal-Mart at 3:00 in the morning. No dice, but she does have a grocery list for me. Her list reads like a plot for a hurricane, "Milk, eggs, bread and of course cream".

So I trundle down there and head for the milk case. Underneath the name brand milk (who buys this stuff? It's fucking milk, it comes out of cows, it's all the same) is the Wal-Mart brand and the tag says $1.67 a gallon. That can't be right, $2.50 a gallon is a smoking deal.

So I ask one of the weird non English speaking nocturnal stock trolls if the price is right. Apparently that was a really tough question because he had to consult with some others in his clan and finally get the guy who knows how to make fire and open bottles to answer for him. "Yes, that's the price" he says.

Now, given the quality of low rent 3:00 AM labor these days, I still don't trust him but I grab a coupla gallons, get the eggs and cream and bread and head for the counter. Dude was right, $1.67 a gallon.

I still think some sausage fingered stock boy entered this in the system wrong and it should have been $2.67 but what the hell. Maybe in today's economy the price of milk is dropping just like the price of oil (I hope the price of beer is next). Or maybe it's from China and the reason it's white is lead paint.

I think I'll go wake up my wife again and inform her of my good forture.

"Your cream is here"

.

Stuff that just pisses me off

What I'd like to know is why, with my profound love of sophomoric humor, I was not the person who invented "Truck Balls"? "Big Cougar" here had a chrome plated set about the size of basketball.






While I risk my life dodging the Mexican army and drug traffickers every workday there is some guy (who I imagine is alot like a real life "Larry the Cable Guy") sitting by a kidney bean shaped pool with a bottle of Jack Daniels black label stuck in a silver champagne bucket ogling his tanga wearing Shania Twain lookalike. That really should have been me.



Oh well, I guess there's a market somewhere for the pecker shaped gearshifter or the "real feel" boobie horn button...

Stuff is just different out west

I was headed over to Austin for the Lonestar roundup last April and I got up early to go gas up the car. I pulled in and saw a van from Mexico with something that looked weird on the roof.

I got a little closer and discovered it was covered in skulls. You see shit like that all the time out here.

I've got a few buddies who work in Washington. One of them managed to send a photo taken on inauguration day that had been quickly suppressed. In the spirit of a free and open society I thought I'd share it with you.