Sunday, November 29, 2009

USA outsources saving the world

Here's the problem with Hollywood these days. They don't seem to realize that most of us sit around with nothing better to do than watch all sorts of trivial science facts on the Discovery channel.

Last weekend, I sloped the kids and took my wife to see "2012". I love end of the world movies and was pretty stoked to see a big budget Armageddon on a movie screen.

If you like these movies don't bother to go see this one. It seems someone finally managed to top Bruce Willis in the category of ridiculous survivals. This movie awkwardly lurches from one "beyond highly improbable" escape after another.

The movie starts the stupid stunts with a high speed escape in a limo (news flash Roland, limos are not fast maneuverable vehicles) that even drives through an open floor office space in a collapsing building.

"Hell, dodging cars falling out of the collapsing parking deck was a piece of cake next to not getting stuck in a cubicle"

From there they race to catch a plane to be deftly flown in between falling skyscrapers by a pilot who's "had a couple of lessons".

No Roland movie is complete without something flying under something falling, - also note LA fucked yet again.

The takeoff is the first of three in which the runway literally falls out from underneath the plane as it barely makes it skyward (really, three fucking times! One even happens to be the world’s largest plane, the Antonov-225 - a one off built to carry the Russian space shuttle).

When asked how the front loading plane could drop a Bentley out the rear later in the flick, we were told "Look closely, the plane in the movie is the Antonov 500 not the 225 so there!

From there they fly to Yellowstone where John Cusak manages to outrun a pyroclastic flow first in a 25 year old motor home and then in a twin engine Beechcraft (as the runway collapses from underneath them - #2).

"Vroomm, vroomm!"

Of course this was needed since wacko conspiracy theorist Woody Harrelson had the map to where the survival arks are.

Next they fly to the Las Vegas airport, which is still standing atop a huge block of ice - err, rock. There they happen to run into the same Russian oligarch that Cusak drove the limo for. It's there that we learn that our fantastically quick learning pilot also did the Russian's girlfriends boobs, which buys them a ticket to ride on the aforementioned giant cargo plane since he can be the co-pilot (whatever school he went to, I'd like a few lessons from that place!).

Not only can he make a nice pair of tits, he is also a quick study of Cyrillic and managed to get the beast airborne for a third cool take off from a disintegrating runway. Hmm, I wonder if I could get some lottery numbers from these people.

I guess the reason for the incredibly weird series of coincidences with the strange Russian and silicone hootered girlfriend is to get past the fact that they need to fly to China. Why China? Well here's where we get to what may be the only believable part of the movie.

You see, since the USA no longer has the productive capacity to build anything the "ships" being built to load all the scientists, rich folk, art treasures, pairs of animals and other persons of extraordinary ability (I hope they got Dorismar in the ark!) are "made in China".

"No, the PRC did not paint these with lead paint - honest"

Yep, now we've off shored the only thing we were really good at for the past 30 years - saving humanity from world ending scenarios in far-fetched movies.

I really do object to having the Chinese take over the job of saving the world. Americans are supposed to do that. After all, we are ones who first figured out how to blow it up. From Gort to Al Gore, we've got a monopoly on saving the world. Why share that one too?

PS: I really didn't spoil the movie for you. There are still lots of amazing escapes that I didn't reveal; including crawling through the ductwork to remove the tit doctor's mangled tools from the "gears of doom"

"Oh shit! anytime I see a gear bigger than a nickle in a movie, I know someone's getting a body part squished in it - I think my dignity is stuck in this one!"

Thursday, November 12, 2009

NRA home furnishings

I know a lot of narcos out there read my blog so I thought I’d help you guys out with some great products from the NRA. These are actual products sold by the National Rifle Association through their website.

First up - nothing’s worse than when you’re sitting in your office cooking the books and trying to hide the millions you made exporting marijuana than having some of your rivals bust in and try to whack you.

This handy magnet attaches to the side of your desk so you can always have a pistol ready. Don’t get caught off guard and end up in the trunk of some old abandoned car like the guy you replaced.
It’s also good for avoiding getting busted by the Fed for mistakes on tax return because you were nervously watching the office door.

Please note that the ad says “pistol not included” and if you’re stupid enough to think you can use this with your plastic framed Glock, you deserve to end up on Channel 44.

Item #2 is designed to help you watch futbol-soccer in peace. Don’t try to explain to your mother why you have an AK-47 leaned up against the end table to watch the game.

Now when she comes over, this tasteful clock will help you conceal your dirty business from mama.

It’s also nice to keep the maid from swiping your prized mother of pearl handled 45 and blaming the children (pinche chaca ladrona!)

Pistol also sold separately.

Lastly, while the second amendment is not much of a concern for drug dealers since obeying the law isn’t a top priority it’s still important to keep firearms legal so you don’t have to buy them from the pinche Chinese. Nothing sucks like having a cheap ass Chinese made gun jam up in the middle of a firefight right?

Don’t let little Jose fail to understand the importance of this American right and how it affects the family business. Get him this NRA bib so he can learn to show his support for illegally exported high quality firearms from the USA!

PS: I’m pretty sure the NRA doesn’t like narcos very much so you may have to get an innocent looking pal to help you get them.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Dia de los Muertos calavera

There’s probably a lot of information out on the web about the Mexican holiday “Dia De Los Muertos” or “Day of the Dead” so I won’t elaborate too much on it other than to say that it is not the Mexican version of Halloween.

This holiday is more of a tribute to passed loved ones and friends. A small shrine is usually set up with representations of the deceased person’s favorite things. Often with food, drink and maybe a photograph or small model of a favorite activity or loved one.

Another tradition on this holiday is “calaveras” or skulls made out of sugar. I found this “pan dulce” (sweet bread) calavera in S-Mart for nine pesos and brought it home for my wife. I was highly suspicious that the black lines had been made with a marker but they were actually something sweet according to my wife.