Friday, March 26, 2010

The Character assassination of Jesse James by the cowards of Twitter

The bullshit dealings of the average people thrust into the Hollywood spotlight are not my usual subject here but thescandal de jourthis week is just too hard for me to ignore. Hard for me to ignore mostly because it involves two of the people I most like to watch on TV.

Everyone loves a good tale of woe with a villain and a damsel in distress. What better actors than the tattooed bad biker dude Jesse James andAmerica’s sweetheartSandra Bullock?

Toss in a bevy of the trashiest looking strippers you’ve ever seen and that’s enough to keep Perez Hilton and TMZ occupied for weeks.

Like a mad mob of tea baggers waving flags and threatening children, a flock of what I assume is mostly women have taken to the internet to voice the fact that they have tried Jesse James in their minds and have found him guilty.

Google has this odd little updating headline that appears mid page that scrolls blog updates and tweets in real time as they are posted. It’s utterly amazing to me to watch as one internet toughgirl after another posts foul mouth recommendations to Sandra Bullock about how she should dump her husband and/or remove select body parts. All of the accusations by the Rachel Uchitel wannabees appear to have been taken as gospel by these tweeting twits without any reasonable examination of alternative realities.

As a sometime skeptic, I have to look at the alleged scumbaggery and ask a few obvious questions. Well, obvious to a person who’s only seen one or two episodes of Oprah in his life.

I have however, read many of the issues ofGaragemagazine so that qualifies me to ponder this.

Let’s take alleged skank #1, MichelleBombshellMcGee. This is the professional stripper/tattoo fetish model who initiated this whole thing by selling her story to In Touch magazine for a reported (by TMZ of course) $30,000. According to this woman, James had an 11 month affair with her on the couch of his motorcycle shop. A motorcycle shop that thanks to the Discovery Channel is quite a tourist attraction. I guess that couch comes with one of Harry Potter’s invisibility cloaks.
According to her story, she went there looking for work as a model for the magazine. That part of the story is certainly believable as each month some curvaceous chick is sprawled across a car or bike in the centerfold section of the magazine. I’m sure a lot of the tweeting twits would find this distasteful enough to call James a pig but it’s a pretty longstanding way to sell car magazines and as smart and cunning as he may be (Donald Trump’s words, not mine), he did not think of this.

So I thought she probably went down there and maybe something happened as I read the story. Jesse James himself seemed to lead an air of truth to the story as he quickly issued a public apology. Bad dog!

As the story unfolded, skank #2 chimed in. This would be his ex wife Jamie Lindemuller, a stripper/pornstar who’s known to pretty much hate the guy (ever wonder how it feels to walk into a party and when the chit chat turns to careers you saypornstar?-I do).

She had plenty to say, including stuff like he had phonesex with her, she wasn’t surprised as he’s a “chronic cheater” (you watch, this will develop into a syndrome to be treated by self proclaimed healers likehoarding disorder”) and that he tried to get her to cheat on Sandra with him.

Uh, maybe she’s just wanting to get even I thought to myself and then I envisioned a grand scheme where she sent skank #1 over to the shop to seduce him so she can bring his world down.

Then suddenly (but not surprisingly) skank #3 appears out of the woodwork. This chick seems to be the least credible of the whole group. A tattooed blond stripper who’s got a rap sheet a mile long and claims she slept with him too.

I don’t know about most people, but I just have problems believing stories by people who to beat up the cops trying to arrest them when they get busted. Also, as she’s making this accusation, sheis defending herself in court for blowing a .18 on the breathalyzer. Holy shades of Animal House Batman, that’s a serious bender!!! US magazine obviously has high standard for it's sources.

Another minor point that makes me question her is that she’s pretty ugly. Like his look or not, Jesse James has proven he can bag the best looking women around (from pornstars to cutest actresses, ask any guy to make a list of girls he’s like to be with and it’s going to include a few pornstars and Sandra Bullock). World class philanders have standards too people.

Next, as if in a race to grab the headlines, a photographer who, while not completely skanky looking, appeart to be cut from the same cloth chimes in too. This one however, unlike the others who seem to be claiming they were are all with him at the same time, says she only had sex four times and it wasn’t any good.

Hmm, just enough to get the website of her photography and modeling business splashed all over the web. I don’t think that’s a bad plan for getting free celebrity endorsements for a small business do you?

Lastly skank #5, a lawyer from the Tiger Wood’s debacle smells a wounded fish and mucks up yet another chick (aka: skank #6) claiming to have had therapy on the West Coast Choppers couch. No monetary gain there is there.

Now back to the twittering hoard. “Loserseems to be the word of choice they paste on James as they bash out 140 well chosen characters on their iphones. I got news for you, a quick Google search shows that Sandra Bullock is worth about $85 million dollars and Jesse is worth anywhere from $35 to $100 million. I believe it, every truck on the road has a WCC sticker on it. Funny way to define loser ladies. As many of you pointed out, I'm sure he was glomming onto Sandra Bullock for the money.

OK cel phone nation, let me ask you a simple question. “What’s six inches long, has a bald head, and drives strippers crazy?”

Give up? Of course you do. You are all women and don’t get what motivates strippers. I’m a member of that pig gender known as “menand will help you out here.

The answer is a hundred dollar bill. See ladies of twitter, strippers (and the one lone lawyer) do what they do because the love money more than anything else.

Now look at Jesse James, a tattooed biker. It’s a well established fact that bikers like to hang out in places where strippers are. Who’s gonna believe a biker when a stripper’s talking?

Did he do it? I don’t know, maybe. But my big question is why are all the women of the world so quick to believe the word of four strippers and a lawyer? Esp. when there’s $35 million dollars in $100 bills at stake?

PS: I’m pretty sure Sandra Bullock knew he was a biker when she married him. Let her sort it out.

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