Great moments in multi-tasking

Here we have what must be one of the greatest demostrations of doing two things at once and doing both of them well.

I can't state that I know the circumstances that lead to this guy needing to engage in communication in the midst of a power on drift but I like his style.

"Well fuck you too buddy, but I win since I'm also racing a car while I'm insulting you"

PS: I freely admit I stole this photo from Hooniverse, who stole it from someone else. Not good form but how could I not share something this great.

How to flunk a grade school history project

Screwing up just seems to come so naturally to today's kids.

Weird product ideas from the “didn’t think about it” marketing department

#1) 1996 MK III VW Golf Harlequin

Under the brilliant guidance of the lowest paid employee at Volkswagen who actually owned a car, the company decided to release the special “Harlequin” edition in 1996.

By carefully selecting unbent panels leftover from crash test cars VW was able to create that special “Piece of shit” patina that normally takes 20 years and six owners to create.

“Clowns not included”

Even stranger still is the apparent reverence VW owners have for a vehicle that looks like it was repaired by “Larry the Cable guy”.

264 of these monstrosities were built and just in case you’ve become enamored with thought of driving a car with a salvage title, here’s a link to the Harlequin registry - http://www.rossvw.com/harlequin/

According to the registry, four different paint schemes were offered. I just wonder what the names of these could have been - “red drivers side door with green hood” perhaps?

The car below is for sale – Only $10,500! Yea, that’s a great deal on a 96 golf.

Why does every Volkswagen on the planet have a "shocker" sticker on the bumper?

#2) Hello Kitty Armaments

Various guys at the NRA and bored gun manufacturers are always trying to convince the women of the world that the use of deadly force should be cute and sweet, thus the rise of the pink gun.

No matter what gun shop or sporting goods store you go in, there’s always one (and never more than one) pink Lady Smith & Wesson in the case or pink child’s size .22 rifle at the far end of the rack.

Exactly the person I think of when I see a pink gun for sale

Sensing that plain girly pink wasn’t exactly spurring sales, various gun customizers have taken it upon themselves to offer special Hello Kitty shotguns and rifles.

“Hands up or I’ll blow the stuffing outta ya!”

It must be working, check out this happy owner of the Hello Kitty AR-15

“Sweetie, would you be a dear and go down to Walgreens and get me some tampons?”

I have to be honest here and admit that there’s some dark sick and twisted part of me that really wants to walk in the local Bank of America with my Hello Kitty shotgun and demand a refund of my share of the TARP bailout money.

My personal favorite, however, is the limited edition Hello Kitty Kalashnikov with the optional knitted buttstock cozy.

#3) Lewd fishing equipment

Really, this thing is so wrong on many levels. First of all is the obvious. I think the local police dept. posts an amber alert just in case every time one of these is sold.

“Hey guys, check out my pole!”

It sorta makes me want to get one and put it on and walk around the mall just to see what happens (not really, pepper spray and tazers leave a helluva hangover).

Looking like a perverted captain Ahab aside, who want to battle a monster trout by having a fishing pole jammed in their nuts anyway?

I suppose if you can get your mind off fishing for just a little while it might make sense. Can I see the catalog of attachments for it?

#4) Darth Vader collectible plate

This is going to look peachy in Nana’s china cabinet next to the Hummels.

“Use your change purse Luke”

Royal wedding - Photo of the day

Irony - Part 2

Today I was late leaving work because I was messing around on the internet checking eBay, Facebook and all those other sites that that are so popular with those of us who'd rather not be working. Good thing too because my tardiness seems to have prevented me from being an eyewitness to the ventilation of this Suburban. The truck has "Servicios Funerarias" written on the side - "Funeral Services".

Particulars from Channel 44 News about the crime:

Police collected 7 S&W .40 caliber shell casings from the street. The owner of "Funeraria Rios"Juan Rios, aged 43, and his employee, aged 34, both died at the scene.

This sort of crime is very common in Juarez and usually results from buisnesses not paying their "cuota" or protection money. Either that or someone wasn't pleased with the undertaker's work.

Irony

"Crap, the jack is under all these tires!"

NPR – Cheaper than Death from above

The Corporation for Public Broadcasting receives around $400 million from the federal government. Of that, about 75% is used to fund public television and the rest goes to NPR. According to the Washington Examiner, they get about $90 million a year from the federal government.

Recent debate in the House of Representatives is looking at cutting this expense as a means of deficit reduction (after all, aren’t there better ways to spend taxpayer’s money than on radio programming for people in rural Kanas? - "The object of this bill is to get NPR out of the taxpayer's pocket," said Rep. Marsha Blackburn, R-Tenn. "It is time for us to be good stewards and save the money of the American taxpayer.")

http://washingtonexaminer.com/politics/congress/2011/03/house-votes-cut-npr-funding

Now, I can’t really comment on that but two days ago, John Boehner, the Republican speaker of the house, started bashing the Obama administration over the establishment of a “no fly zone” above Libya.

He asked what the ultimate goal is in enforcing UN resolution 1973 and what the cost would be.

Well Boehner, we here at The Orange Folder Chronicles get what a dumb shit you are so here’s a little help answering the second part of your question (I can’t figure out the first part either so you’ll need to continue with your polite questions to President Obama on that one).

“Now wait a minute, you know math is hard”

I have no idea what it costs to fly a sortie in an F-15 and definitely don’t know about flying one in an F-16 so lets just stick to the cost of firing cruise missiles, which I figure is like the grownups version of a bottle rocket fight.

According to “The Guardian” (assuming you can trust limeys, which I think we can since they have such cute girls) the American’s have fired 168 missiles so far:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/mar/25/raf-role-libya-no-fly-modest

Elisabeth Hurley, a trustworthy Brit

Kate Middleton, another cute chick from “Tealandia”

Also, according the US Navy (we know we can trust them, they never lie) each one of these costs $569,000, which compared to a bottle rocket is probably pretty reasonable since you get a much cooler explosion.

http://www.navy.mil/navydata/fact_display.asp?cid=2200&tid=1300&ct=2

It’s shaped like that for a reason

So mister Boehner, using my $2 Chinese calculator I get about $95,592,000 just for the missiles. Add to that the fuel for the sub (I think uranium is slightly higher than the $3.54 a gallon regular gas my Ford Ranger uses), the cost of paying all those sailors, the donuts you had in your office while writing your latest silly rant and so on. I think we can safely say that this little action cost a tad more than a years worth of stinking liberal biased radio programs. Does that help you out Mr. Speaker?

“So you say your Republican congress is making a lot of noise?” “Sell it, it’s a lemon!”

If you're gonna build something, make it interesting

Daily suggestion on how to have a kickass day

Tip #27 - How to have a kick ass day

"Find money walking across the parking lot of Wal-Mart"

It’s a pomegranate world whether you want it or not

Whenever I manage to find something I like, I generally stick with it and don’t feel much obligation to change. Change is only good if it’s better.

I can't begain to tell you how many of my favorite things have been discontinued just to make way for something "new and improved".

For example, I grew up in a simpler time when juice came in flavors like orange, apple or grape. There was no need for exotic stuff or weird blends.

Anything fruit flavored was based off these simple flavors and it never got more unusual than maybe raspberry or cherry.

In the 80s however, something seems to have gone awry. Someone discovered that they had these large weird green berries in the land of goofy animals and suddenly everyone on the planet was trying to figure out what they could stick kiwis in that had never had it before.

So who was the first guy to think "That looks like a fuzzy green testitcle, let's try it out" anyway?

Kiwi wasn’t really good enough by itself so you had to mix it with something else, usually bananas. I never have liked bananas so I never really like the weird mixtures of kiwi either. Kiwis are OK by themselves but to be honest, it’s just not as good as orange, apple, grape, cherry and the oh so exotic raspberry.

Apparently enough people like having kiwis mixed with other crap though that it was deemed a success. I’ve got no real beef with that except once kiwis became “de riguer” the entire product development staff at every large food conglomerate suddenly seems to have realized that they have to keep concocting weird ass tropical fruit flavors or there is really no justification for their jobs.

So, starting in the 90s legions of people with no real purpose in life started concocting all sorts of bizarre and clearly inferior mixtures of whatever oddball fruits and flowers they could find on the internet. It became like the great race to the south pole and eventually jumped the shark.

Mangos, dragonberrry, quince or whatever oddity you could find a native eating began to infiltrate the food isle. Weird flowers and spices are starting to appear. Pomegranates and some nasty tasting thing called Acai berry have risen to the top lately as the Lindsey Lohans of weirdo fruit of the day.

To be honest, pomegranates suck as food. You have to pick at them, they are full of seeds and the flavor is mediocre at best. It’s sorta like trying to unwind the rubber bands on a golf ball core just to find out there’s nothing more interesting inside than a rubber ball (of course, I’m sure golf balls aren’t made that way anymore. There’s something new and exciting now like Nike balls made out of titanium hair wound around a balled up core of Tiger Wood’s tramp’s phone numbers or something)

Gratuitus photo of Racheal Uchitel nearly naked

Problem is, there is only so much shelf space on a rack so to make room for all these weird flavors, something’s gotta go. Well, have you noticed lately how you can hardly ever find plain old orange soda or grape gum down at your local zippy mart? To hell with that, we need something new and fashionable like pomegranate mango.

I’ve had this habit of drinking wine coolers instead of soda since the 80s. They taste good and aren’t as sweet as soda and I just like em. That’s about to end though as now the only tolerable flavor left is something called “Seagrams Exotic Berry” (raspberry flavored) and even that’s getting hard to find.

Gone are lemon-lime, orange, lemonade etc. They’ve been replaced with weird stuff like “Calypso cooler” (this is bright blue colored) and “Jamaica me Happy” or “Fuzzy Navel”. Ad men suck alright. I have to confess that drinking wine coolers is a bit “frue-frie” at best but it’s downright intolerable to be drinking something that tastes weird and has a name only Richard Simmons could appreciate.

However, this is what broke the back of this old camel. I went to loot out the kids Halloween candy and boosted a Tootsie pop. The wrapper looked a bit off to me so I looked a little closer and saw this:

Come on people, - You know this isn't right!